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Peeling spuds, washing glasses
Using knives n forks, serviettes an plates
Instead of…greasy mitts in a chicken box,
Blue shirt proclaiming; “Gian-Franco Zola. God”!
Quaffing Stella by the telly with his mates.
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Then…this blinding bird moved in
Inspired an immediate change in him
Why he even…pressed the suit he wore for work?
Away games and the mighty craic?
She put a bleeding stop to all o that
He was down the gym, most Saturdays with her.
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Caught an inkling things weren’t right
When instead of poker Friday nights
He’d be home indoors preparing her risotto
Right, that’s like a glutinous boiled rice?
Reminded us of a blinding night
We watched a classic out in Munich (with a ruby) we’d forgotten?
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Things went from very bad to worse
Heard he visited our local church
Talking to a priest bout getting hitched
Even went round to meet her folks
A rumour spread was he’d proposed
Made us hastily check that seasons fixture list.
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Then…the nuptials front went quite
He turned up at poker, Friday night
Asking us enthused about the team?
“Read The Evening Standard, don’t yer mate?”,
“Nah haven’t done of late
Too involved with parquet floors it seems?
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But I’m glad all that’s over now
When are we away to Huddersfield Town?”
He asked with a cheeky smile, checking his cards
Well. What a Friday night we had that day
Seemed like he’d never been away
We totally had a blast, partying hard.
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Anyways a week or two went by
Instead of sleeping dogs being let lie
We asked (like nosy gits) what caused the split?
Well. His face went crimson red
Bit of trouble catching breath
Then with vitriol spat it out, and this it….
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“She was gorgeous, really cute
Even showed me how to press me suit
Problem came when I asked her dad could I wed his daughter?
Said I could on a condition bordering on bleeding farcical
He expected me at The Emptiness, cheering on The Arsenal*
I ain’t jumping ship – says I – for no team from “Over The Water”?
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Well. He cracked a jeroboam of shampoo
Clinking crystal flutes we knew
Our mate had sorted his relationship conundrum:
See. A bloke may Love a beautiful bird whom he adores
But he’d have always held a torch – in his heart – for a paramour
Along The Fulham Road, in South West London!