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Forfar too long I’ve been away, across the ocean’s swell.
News of home is very scarce – Pray, is your Motherwell?
And what of your two brothers, Partick-ularly Ross?
And mention me to Clyde as well, or else he might get cross.
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My brother, Dougie, with the lisp, he loves the “Thcottish Raith,”
And I would love to breathe the Ayr and share your simple faith.
I pray to sweet St. Mirren to be gentle and be kind,
Hoping our two Hearts again will one day be entwined.
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For a living, I Celtic-kets to both friends and strangers,
I live beside a National Park, and sell a lot to Rangers.
The Livingstones bear witness that I’m working night and day,
And my boss says I do Stirling work and well deserve my pay.
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A higher aim, my dear, I’ve not, although my heart is Brechin,
Alloa one, is scarcely worth the miracle I’m seekin’,
Re-Gretna-thing, that’s my advice, and may your heart stay true,
I know you have Dundee-cent things, and that’s why I love you,