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In Waterford, there lived a man whose name was Hugh McClure,
And, with his wife, he dwelt beside the lovely River Suir.
And, though it’s true that dear old Hugh was born and reared a Dub,
He was a staunch supporter of the local football club.
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For Hugh, the Blues had always been the true love of his life,
Although he never mentioned that in front of his dear wife.
And anytime they asked him, he would always volunteer
To man Kilcohan’s turnstiles or to wash the youth team’s gear.
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One day, the Chairman of the Club came down to visit Hugh,
And, supping tea, he said, “Old son, I’ve got a job for you.
We’ve just signed a Norwegian, name of Ole Gunnar Biscuit,
Who’s scared to death of flying and insists he will not risk it.
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I realise that this is somewhat difficult to ask,
But everybody says you are the right man for the task.
Would you fly out from Waterford to Bergen-by-the-Sea,
And bring the little earthbound gobshite safely back for me?”
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Naturally, bold Hugh agreed, and soon was on a flight,
To the land of Vikings, fjords and heaps of reindeer shite.
He met Ole at Bergen and they hopped aboard a ferry,
Then launched into the Kronenberg until they were quite merry.
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Hugh turned round to Ole and remarked, “Hey, dude, I can’t
Believe your mother named you for a Spanish football chant.”
But ne’er a word of English had the big Norwegian full,
And so he simply grinned and grinned until they got to Hull.
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They both ran off the ferry and they caught a train instead,
Which fortunately brought them all the way to Holyhead.
The three hours on the ferry were uproarious and beery,
And both of them were singing when they landed in Dun Laoghaire.
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They staggered off and promptly hailed a taxi on the dock,
And got down to Kilcohan Park just after four o’clock.
The Chairman was in brilliant form to see them back so quick,
Until he saw the taxi bill and then he felt quite sick.
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Now it transpired not only had they signed a European,
But, in a double whammy, they had bagged a North Korean.
His name, they said, was Kim Ono, his speed electrifying,
And, thankfully for Hugh at least, he had no fear of flying.
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That night there was to be a party for the new recruits,
So Hugh went home and changed his shirt and polished up his boots.
Thoughtfully he kissed his wife before he left the house,
Happy in the knowledge that he was a loving spouse.
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Ole was on the Heineken, so Hugh avoided him,
And went into the other room to have a word with Kim.
Hugh enquired politely if he’d like to have a drink,
But Kim said he was happy with some water from the sink.
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Poor Hugh could not persuade young Kim to try the Irish porter,
The North Korean kept insisting he was fine with water.
“Whiskey? Vodka? Rum and Coke? How ‘bout a spot of gin?”
“Water good enough for me,” Kim answered with a grin.
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Eventually the Chairman rose to give a little speech.
He wished the new players well and then he raised a glass to each.
“And here’s a spot of wisdom, folks,” he added with a wink,
“Hugh can lead a Norse to Waterford – Hugh cannot make Kim drink.”