Football Poets

They Think It’s All Over

¶ 1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 Tonight, here for the first time we bring you
World Cup Football Poetry, live on Sky Verse One.

¶ 2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 As they line up for the kick off – it’s Adam Horovitz
displaying a very sure-footed vilanelle
Yes, his tight five-threes followed by a four-line
stanza, has them all stunned!
He’s a giant of his form. All six foot four of him
Surely he’s the Crouch-y of poetry
And the crowd are on their feet as –

¶ 3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 Crispin Thomas. Crispin Thomas is on the
wing. He’s coming in for a cheeky
tackle at a sonnet.
It’s going extremely well, and he’s managing
to keep to that tricky formation of iambic pentameter
But – ah – oh no! He’s lost it.
Crispin Thomas has lost it.
He’s got his Casio out and he’s robotic
dancing to Yankee Doodle Dandy.

¶ 4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 And the crowd don’t like it.
They’re shuffling nervously in their seats
and no longer listening quietly.

¶ 5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 The MC is blowing his whistle but
Crispin won’t get off. He’s waving his big
furry football boots at the ref, and it’s
all turning rather nasty.

¶ 6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 So, that’s a free verse kick to Dennis Gould
coming up fast on the outside on –
his bicycle!
Yes, Dennis is on his bike, and he’s hitting
them with the old 4-4-2 stanza set piece.
Just look at him go. He’s attempting a pantoum
But – oh no – I can’t believe it!
Gould has pulled in at the vegetarian hot dog stand.
Dennis Gould, the football poetry star of the sixties,
has pulled over for a veggie samosa.

¶ 7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 And here comes the MC again.
He’s showing Dennis a red card
And Captain Stuart Butler is in the ref’s
face now.
He’s accusing him of being the sort of fascist
Laurie Lee fought against in the Spanish Civil War.
And the ref doesn’t like it.

¶ 8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 But Butler won’t calm down.
He’s now delivering a rant on Cartesian Dualism
in postmodernist ironic football poetry.
It’s quite extraordinary!
Well, this invokes the memory of that famous
Brummie mid-fielder Will Shakespeare, I must say.

¶ 9 Leave a comment on verse 9 0 And now they’re joined by Adam Horovitz
and the MC has given Adam the mike
And he’s off, getting into his stride of
muscular observational poetry on celebrity
and the might of Mammon
When – Crispin Thomas comes in for a late tackle
with a hefty burst of comic verse on
shopping and lost socks
And – oh – that’s nasty. He’s broken Adam’s
metaphysical.
That’s gotta hurt. Yes, Horovitz has snapped
his metaphysical poetry tome.

¶ 10 Leave a comment on verse 10 0 So, now they’re bringing on their sub from
the benches
It’s Rosemary Dun from Bristol City.
Rosemary – to all intents and purposes –
appears to be a girl!
Surely that’s against the rules.
But the MC says carry on
And she’s hurtling down the pitch now
weaving lines on David Beckham and
footballers’ wives
She lines up for her final stanza.

¶ 11 Leave a comment on verse 11 0 And the goalie Neville Gabie is
between his goalposts.
He’s on the ball.
He’s ready for Rosemary’s delivery
He lines up and – NO!
He’s stopped to take a photograph …
Neville Gabie has stopped to take a photograph.

¶ 12 Leave a comment on verse 12 0 Surely it’s all over.
Rosemary Dun delivers her last pun
She shoots, she scores
And the crowd erupt in rapturous applause!!

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