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Unspeakable

Dachlan Cartwright

Saturday, December 22nd, 2018

1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 Hey Kids would you like a cushy number,
A job which gives you hours of mental slumber,
A billet where the silences are hardly broken
By a few drops of language as a throwaway token?

2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 You’ll get loads of moula just for being in the grandstand
And viewing on a screen the best footy in the land.
You’ll have a viewing partner for a little companionship
Who’ll make sure that no awkward TALK outslips.

3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 Sitting there in silence with your best shotgun mate
While loads of us viewers are fuming in frustration,
Even though we know the players’ names (and how many of us do?)
We still want to hear their names, and all their passing throughs.

4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 There’s now a worldwide audience for Premier League that’s signed up.
And how many of these viewers are familiar with the lineups?
Better Andres Cantor with his soul ”gol” Spanish spice
Than our Mr Beins and Tweedledee/dumb dealing teapot dormice.

5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 Come back Kenny Wolstenholme, come back Barry Motson!
Sons of Martin Tyler, go dream in Liv’s lost Lorien.
Or back to work in radio, and learn to DO YOUR JOB!
Come commentators, COMMENTATE!, and don’t us fans off fob.

Notes

Sitting here in Indonesia, watching the Premier and other leagues, I’m frustrated at how the British commentators get away with doing nothing. Next time you view a game, note how the silences, which can last for several minutes, outweigh the commentary. And it seems that the two of them cancel each other out, and are sitting down cosily to watch and enjoy the game together. But that’s not their job. Their job is to interpret the action on the field for us viewers. Tweedledrum should mention every move, every pass, every player, with Tweedlechum being allowed the odd contextual comment.
And anyway even if I know the players’ names I still want to hear them spoken, and especially for my Indonesian friends who generally don’t know the names , and this, I guess, would be true for the majority of viewers everywhere, overseas or in Britain.
Do any other footy Shakespearos feel the same way?

Source: http://footballpoets.org/poems/unspeakable/?shared=email&msg=fail