Forget Driller Killer,
The Exorcist is child’s play
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a barrel of laughs
after the gore-fest I endured today.
Never again will I press the fatal numbers
as, in disbelief, I began to stare-
punch-drunk and reeling
from my ever-deepening ceefax nightmare.
Nil-nil with Sheffield United,
when I turned away to cough,
when I turned back it was one-nil-
and Sneekes sent off!
Two-nil by half-time,
so I made a cup of tea-
by the time I’d finished brewing it
United had got three.
Three soon became four,
and four led onto five-
please put me out my misery,
I no longer wish to be alive!
Six-nil was the final nail;
leaving me feeling tearful and queasy.
Bitterly, I pictured United’s fans
chanting: Easy! Easy! Easy!