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It seems that you’re at something of a loss, dear,
as if you’ve just awoken from a coma.
Don’t worry ‘bout your goggly eyes because, dear,
it’s only temporary, this glaucoma.
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Let me introduce you to your son, dear.
See how much he’s grown since you last saw him.
Be gentle with him, or he’ll turn and run, dear –
he doesn’t recognise the man before him.
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The garden out the back is overgrown, dear,
behind where that poor mutilated deer is.
Attenborough has been on the phone, dear –
it seems he wants to make another series.
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I think we’ll have to go and do a shop, dear.
The cobwebs on the fridge are getting thicker.
Your friendship with the dog is for the chop, dear –
recognition’s down to just a flicker.
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Oh yes! I had a baby – called her Blaise, dear.
Surprised you didn’t hear her bellyaching.
At least you’re back, if only for two days, dear –
Goodness me! How bad your hands are shaking!