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Southampton’s Secret Factory

Philip Douch

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 When they had to sell The Dell
They did something else as well
Since the price was several hundred thousand pounds
And they promised not to tell us
But beneath the Milton terrace
A hidden factory was built deep underground

2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 There were pistons made of steel,
Clanking cogs, a giant wheel
And a special red and white striped kind of paint
The machinery was whirring
Creativity was stirring
They were building us a composite Saint

3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 The feet were screwed on tight
Terry Paine’s was on the right
And it was spraying pinpoint passes everywhere
And imported here from Wales
The left foot was Gareth Bale’s
And the head was topped with Terry Hurlock’s hair

4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 It had Theo’s pace to burn
And Lallana’s clever turn
And the head was Big Ron Davies through and through
And though the rest of him was crap
It had the throw-in of Delap
And the shot of Rickie Lambert, straight and true

5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 The blueprint from the start
Was based on Nick Holmes’ beating heart
It had the energy and drive of Jimmy Case
No argument at all
That the voice was Alan Ball
But an error in the workshop gave it Iain Dowie’s face

6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 So to quality assure
The foreman crossed the factory floor
And said, ‘The only thing that’s missing now is this’
And with pride and with a smile
He uncorked a secret phial
And he sprinkled on some essence of Le Tiss

7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 And as that magic potion cleared
Some lettering appeared
On its bottom as it left the factory gates
Unplanned and at no cost
Mysteriously embossed, it said
‘Made in Southampton by Markus and Ted Bates’

© Philip Douch 17.11.11

Notes

My fun play with songs – Herbie and The Saints – was performed professionally at Southampton’s Nuffield Theatre Studio and The Berry Theatre, Hedge End in summer 2011. I am now developing it further in the hope of a second promotion for The Saints and a second outing of the show. This poem is one of the new additions for the revised version. The original soundtrack is available to listen to or download at
Herbie and the Saints Soundtrack

Source: http://footballpoets.org/poems/southamptons-secret-factory/