Football Poets

The Ballad of Quinn and Hierro

¶ 1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 Fernando Hierro had but one small wish,
A little reward for his labours.
He yearned for his very own satellite dish,
Despite the strong views of his neighbours.

¶ 2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 But there was a bye-law that people respected,
And which he’d been warned not to flout –
No problem with aerials being erected,
But satellite dishes were out.

¶ 3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 Fernando, however, was keen on his sport,
And community-wise, kept aloof,
And so he dismissed what his neighbours all thought,
And fixed up a dish to his roof.

¶ 4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 Niall Quinn, as it happened, was honorary chairman,
Of the local residential committee,
And he called on Hierro and said, “It’s not fair, man,
Yon satellite dish isn’t pretty.”

¶ 5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 Hierro’s response was dismissive and fleeting,
And he sent the tall striker a-packing.
So Niall, enraged, called an emergency meeting,
To look for the residents’ backing.

¶ 6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 Well, they gave him their blessing to do what he could
To get the tough Spaniard’s compliance.
Provided ‘twas legal, they well understood
The need to face down his defiance.

¶ 7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 Now, Niall had some chickens [an old boyhood dream],
For he fancied himself as a farmer,
And cunningly now he did work out a scheme
Where they became part of his armour.

¶ 8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 Hierro’s back garden adjoined that of Niall,
And the floral display was impressive,
Orchids and dahlias and sweet camomile,
So much it was almost excessive.

¶ 9 Leave a comment on verse 9 0 So Niall hung on till the Spaniard went out,
And then he ran down to his coop,
And he summonsed his chickens with one cheery shout,
And they gathered around in a group.

¶ 10 Leave a comment on verse 10 0 He quickly dispensed several urgent instructions,
And thanked them for co-operating.
He knew that their actions might cause nasty ructions,
And possibly trouble lay waiting.

¶ 11 Leave a comment on verse 11 0 And when he had finished, he lifted them gently,
And placed them all over the fence,
Ran up to his bedroom and peered out intently,
His face ever-watchful and tense.

¶ 12 Leave a comment on verse 12 0 The chickens, though, followed their master’s request,
And made for the colourful beds,
And, clucking away with encouraging zest,
They pecked all the flowers to shreds.

¶ 13 Leave a comment on verse 13 0 Well, Fernando returned in the late afternoon,
And his blood pressure instantly doubled.
All over his garden, bright flowers were strewn,
While chickens walked o’er them untroubled.

¶ 14 Leave a comment on verse 14 0 He let forth a yell, and he ran back outside,
And he banged on the Mighty Quinn’s door.
As Niall came down, he, with innocence, cried,
“What on earth is that hammering for?”

¶ 15 Leave a comment on verse 15 0 As he threw the door open, Hierro let loose,
And Quinn’s bright expression did vanish.
In turn, he enquired, why the florid abuse?
He’d never been taught rustic Spanish.

¶ 16 Leave a comment on verse 16 0 Hierro then dragged him around to the back,
Where Quinner feigned innocent wonder.
The Spaniard was bulling, his temper was black
And he wore an expression like thunder.

¶ 17 Leave a comment on verse 17 0 Niall announced that he wasn’t surprised
At the chickens’ despicable actions.
Perhaps poor Hierro had not realised
They hated these novel distractions.

¶ 18 Leave a comment on verse 18 0 These chickens he tended, though docile and few,
Could suddenly turn pretty vicious,
The reason for which, as all poultry men knew,
Was the presence of satellite dishes.

¶ 19 Leave a comment on verse 19 0 Perhaps ‘twas the colour, perhaps ‘twas the shape,
That caused certain fowl aggravation,
But the salient fact that he couldn’t escape,
Was – they flipped o’er a dish installation.

¶ 20 Leave a comment on verse 20 0 Well, Hierro looked sideways at Quinn for a while,
Sceptically mulling and thinking,
And then his bronzed face creased into a great smile,
And one of his eyes started winking.

¶ 21 Leave a comment on verse 21 0 “You’re very inventive, you know, Senor Quinn.
I admire the way you’ve contested.
You played most unfairly, but I’ll let you win,
I’ll take down the dish as requested.

¶ 22 Leave a comment on verse 22 0 I’ll purchase an aerial, throw in the towel,
And thank God you don’t own any cattle!”
And thus, though Hierro quite loudly cried, “Fowl!”
‘Twas Quinn won the aerial battle.