Football Poets

The taming of Wayne ( he’s only 19 ) Rooney

¶ 1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 ” A course in anger management,
remember the boy’s just turned nineteen.
We’ve got to make allowances,
cos he one of the greatest ever seen.”
Others compared to Gazza,
and their psychopathic need to win,
but atleast the messed up Gazza,
played football with a grin.

¶ 2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 Sir Alex listened to all the advice,
even the offer of a shrink,
then headed home from Old Trafford,
to have a little think.

¶ 3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 He wandered down to his garden shed,
which was full of books and spanners,
and started to figure out,
how to teach young Rooney manners.

¶ 4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 His eyes then caught a dusty book,
which to his face did bring a smile,
and he copied numbers out of it,
and started them to dial.
He spoke to old ex-footballers,
some who were short of a bob,
and he told them he’d look after them,
if they’d do him a wee job.
He told the lads he wanted them,
to play his first team in a match,
and then went on to explain to them,
of the plan that he had hatched.
He fillled the trustees in the Man U team,
in also on the plan,
and along with the ex-professionals,
they were for it — to a man.

¶ 5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 The match was on the practice pitch,
with no supporting crowd,
a special ex referee brought in,
and no media allowed.
The ex-pro’s were bald and graying,
some were overweight,
but their mission was to dish some manners out,
before it was too late.

¶ 6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 They stood out on the frozen pitch,
waiting for Man U to appear,
and Giles went straight to Rooney,
and whispered in his ear.
Rooney told him to F- Off,
and he gave the yap, yap sign,
and Nobby Stiles said ” leave it John,
this little kid is mine.”

¶ 7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 First time Rooney got the ball,
he eased it past Ron Harris,
then brought it back and beat him again,
in an effort to embarrass.
He tried it then a third time,
but this time he came a cropper,
as he felt a boot land in his groin,
compliment of Chopper.
” For F’s sake ref, ” squealed Rooney,
who then screamed a bunch of F’s,
but like his dodgy eye sight,
Jack Taylor had gone deaf.

¶ 8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 Pat Crerand dragged Wayne to his feet,
and growled, ” how dare you dive,
if you pull that stunt again lad,
you won’t leave this pitch alive.”
Now Rooney’s face was grimacing,
it had its usual scowl,
and he went over the top on Storey,
with a very brutal foul.
Dave Mackay came storming over,
and lifted Rooney by the shirt,
and warned the cocky scouser,
he was on his way to getting hurt.

¶ 9 Leave a comment on verse 9 0 But the United players fed Rooney,
to let him show off all his skills,
and he flew past Norman Whiteside,
and the aging Micky Mills.
Then he pushed the ball past Yorath,
and for goal did start to race,
when he was hammered into yesterday,
by the fearsome Jimmy Case.
Tommy Smith knelt down to tend him,
and have a soothing little word,
and he slapped Wayne to attention,
to make sure that he was heard.
” I’m a fellow scouser son,
I’ve had my share of knocks,
I grew up on the Scotland Road,
and me dad worked on the docks.
I never had your talent,
but I always had respect,
and if you go by me one more time today,
I’ll make sure that you are decked.”

¶ 10 Leave a comment on verse 10 0 Half-time came, and Wayne told Alex,
he thought he’d had enough,
but Sir Alex laughed right in his face,
saying, ” I thought that you were tough.”

¶ 11 Leave a comment on verse 11 0 The second half began,
with the ex pro’s down by six,
and Rooney started to turn it on,
with a few old party tricks.
He tried some fancy dummies,
and a couple of nut-megs,
then unfortunately he encountered,
‘ Norman bites yer legs.”
He yelled at referee Taylor,
to give Hunter a red card,
but Norman stood and laughed at him,
saying, ” they told me you was hard.”
As Rooney rubbed his swollen knee,
and grimaced with the pain,
Hunter and Taylor spoke of kids,
and the merits of the cane.
They laughed as Rooney hobbled,
muttering words ending in K,
and agreed he was an example,
of inner town decay.
He screamed abuse at Taylor,
implying the butcher** must be blind,
then got a clip across the ear,
from the girder Roger Hynd.

¶ 12 Leave a comment on verse 12 0 They hammered Wayne so much that half,
that he started playing back,
but defending a high corner,
he got clobbered by ‘Big Jack’.
” Get in me way again young bairn,
I’ll give you a right hook,
and if you annoy me any further,
I’ll put your name in my* black book .”

¶ 13 Leave a comment on verse 13 0 He begged Sir Alex to be taken off,
but with silence he was met,
as Wayne wished he was off the pitch,
in his mansion with Colette.
Then Georgie Best got the ball,
and went on a mazy run,
stopped it at Wayne Rooney,
and gestured, ‘come on son’.
The son of Pool came storming in,
but George threw him a dummy,
and just like Gazza, tears rolled down,
as he cried out for his mummy.

¶ 14 Leave a comment on verse 14 0 It was a defining moment,
in his character transformation,
and we started to witness on the pitch,
the Wayne Rooney reformation.
He started calling players sir,
though they were trying to break his bones,
and he apologized profusely,
after been stomped by Joey Jones.

¶ 15 Leave a comment on verse 15 0 The whisle went to end the match,
United won ten- nil.
but the day of Rooneys lesson,
wasn’t over still.
As he shook the hands of players,
walking off the park,
he was pulled away towards the ref,
by ‘ Sniffer Alan Clarke’,
” Apologize to Jack Taylor,
tor being such a prat,
and tell him it’s the last time,
you’ll ever act like that.”
So Wayne said,
” sorry Mr Taylor,
for clapping in your face,
I know that to United,
I’ve been a huge disgrace.”
” Seems you’ve learnt your lesson son,
now you’re acting like a man,
so concentrate on football,
and be the greatest that you can.”

¶ 16 Leave a comment on verse 16 0 The old pro’s took Rooney out that night,
and fed him real ale made from hops,
told him no more Red Bull,
or girlie alcho-pops.
They taught him how to show respect,
though Georgie Best kept quiet,
how to have a good time,
without it being a riot.

¶ 17 Leave a comment on verse 17 0 Next morning at Old Trafford,
Wayne appeared for training early,
a happy look upon his face,
instead of being surly.
“Good morning Mr Ferguson,”
he said to the Scot’s surprize,
and he said it most full heartedly,
with a glint in both his eyes.
A pressman asked for an interview,
and got yes instead of no,
and Sir Alex looked on proudly,
” HE’S ONLY NINETEEN YEARS YE KNOW.”