In the early ninetenth century,
As the age of science dawned,
Baron Frankenstein had a theory
Which all his colleagues scorned.
He set about to prove them wrong.
He was sure he had found a way
Of bringing life to inanimate things
In spite of what others might say.
He took bones from charnel houses
And some bits and bats from the vet.
He constructed some semblance of a man
Like a child with a Lego set.
Then with a touch of Gothic genius,
Before you could say knife,
By the power of electricity
He brought the creature to life.
The creation was not a great success
Whichever way it was viewed.
Everyone called it a monster,
It was awkward, ugly and crude.
Let us move on a few generations.
It is the nineteen nineties now,
And a descendant of the baron
Has discovered the lost know-how.
Young Franz Frankenstein lived in Zurich
And was a dedicated Grasshoppers fan.
He unearthed the baron’s secret
And evolved a monstrous plan.
Whenever a famous footballer died
And went to play for his maker,
Young Franz went to steal the corpse
From the local undertaker.
He mixed and matched and modified
Till he assembled a mighty frame.
He was sure that one with such physique
Would be outstanding in the game.
Young Frankenstein followed the method
His ancestor used, years before.
After a mighty surge of electrons
His superman rose from the floor.
Alas the result was much the same,
Another monster had been created.
It surpassed most men in terms of power,
But its intellect was sadly truncated.
Nevertheless it achieved success,
With a capacity for kicking hard.
Lack of distinction between man and ball
Invoked many a yellow card.
It never shirked a tackle,
It proved itself hard as nails.
Before long came the international call
To play for the Swiss against Wales.
The match kicked off at Ninian Park.
Soon Wales were on the attack.
The monster jumped to head the ball
And ended up flat on its back.
It was the first time this had happened.
The monster growled “Some one’s in trouble.”
When the culprit was identified
It was glaring at its double.
As the two squared up to each other
They looked just like two clones.
The monster gasped when the other yelled
“Just watch it pal, I’m Vinny Jones!”