Football Poets

The Ballad of Roddy Collins

¶ 1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 He was big and he was brash and he was arrogant and proud,
His hair was coiffured beautifully, his suits were very loud.
He craved the adulation and he craved the use of power,
He had success at Dalymount but then it all turned sour.

¶ 2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 And so he packed his suitcase and with wife and kids in tow,
He moved across to Cumbria; what better place to go?
At first the deathly silence made it hard to go to sleep,
But, looking out the window, it was easy counting sheep.

¶ 3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 Then Roddy took the podium and shouted, “I know I’ll
Transform the fortunes of this sleeping giant called Carlisle.
The long-forgotten crowds will all flock back from near and far.”
His audience was mesmerised, and several answered “Baa!”

¶ 4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 He told the Cumbrian populace the Eircom League was crap,
And all the shepherds thought he was a sound and honest chap.
And every time he uttered shite, his reputation grew, for
They hadn’t yet copped on that he was just a massive spoofer.

¶ 5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 He came back home to Ireland with tin-whistle in his hand,
And played a merry tune round the four corners of the land,
The children of the Eircom League were hopelessly entranced,
As the strange, magnetic music lilted, twirled around and danced.

¶ 6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 The followed the Pied Piper back across the Irish Sea,
Destined to be swallowed up by great obscurity,
And back at home in Ireland, all the parents cried with pain,
Fearing they would never see their darling kids again.

¶ 7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 The shepherds were excited and they came from far and near,
Leaving sheep to roam the hills from Kendal to Grasmere,
To see the reawakening of that massive sleeping giant.
The team, alas, got beat again, but Roddy was defiant.

¶ 8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 “We’re aiming for promotion, we will finish near the top.
Once we get some rhythm, you will never make us stop.”
So Roddy walked the hills and dales, his Irish players with him,
But though they searched extremely hard, they could not find no rhythm.

¶ 9 Leave a comment on verse 9 0 The shepherds fired their broadsides, but bould Roddy deftly caught ‘em,
He said it was a triumph that they finished second bottom,
And people should be happy they’d avoided relegation,
In fact, that marvellous showing should be cause for celebration.

¶ 10 Leave a comment on verse 10 0 Then Roddy started talking to a businessman he knew,
Who’d made his cash exploiting folk, as rich men often do.
And legend has it these two men got talking in a pub,
And Roddy then persuaded him to join his football club.

¶ 11 Leave a comment on verse 11 0 Now, Courtenay’d reservations, there were things that sounded iffy,
Apart from which, he’d grown up on the wrong side of the Liffey.
But Roddy pulled his whistle out, and Courtenay was amazed,
And followed him to Cumbria, quite mesmerised and dazed.

¶ 12 Leave a comment on verse 12 0 Now Roddy promised faithfully that season they’d go up,
And more than likely reach the Final of the FA Cup,
But the shepherds had been bitten once and went back to their dales,
Warning everybody not to heed big Roddy’s tales.

¶ 13 Leave a comment on verse 13 0 And far from effecting an amazing transformation,
Once again the Cumbrians were fighting relegation,
The players didn’t seem to fit, they didn’t seem to gel,
But Roddy preached the gospel and pronounced that all was well.

¶ 14 Leave a comment on verse 14 0 And, last I heard, he’s still out there, still striving for success,
Despite all of his fancy words, the club’s still in a mess.
And though he often ridicules the Eircom League at length,
They’re still shite, while all our clubs are going from strength to strength.

¶ 15 Leave a comment on verse 15 0 I look into my crystal ball, and forty five years hence,
I see an old and wizened man berating his defence,
With sharpened suit and homburg hat, he maintains his position,
That very shortly Carlisle will escape the Third Division.

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