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Eurasian Champions League Final 2030

Dachlan Cartwright

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 Everton 1 Homs Alone 2

2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 It’s a great atmosphere in the Stadium of Peace, Tolerance and Racial and Religious Harmony in Jerusalem, where rival supporters are deliberately alternately seated all around the ground from the Wailing Wall End to the Dome of the Rock Kop.
And the only thing the referee has to do is after an incident blow his little wooden whistle to “stop”.
Because a sophisticated battery of cybertechnotelepathy now makes decisions

3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 Did Homs’ first goal cross the line when the referee suffered from restricted vision?
“Goal!” flashes the AlanBall, a soccer ball lensed with sufficient chips, “and what a cybershot!
In spite of desperate scrambling back by this useless Toffee rot”
(Smart Robot Camera AlanBall’s programmed for pathetic wit
but by flashing accurate pictures it performs its justice bit)

4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 (half-time Toffees 0 Homs 1)
In the sixtieth minute “Big” Dunkin McFergus and “Mad” Saddam Arshad go up together for a Leighton Baines Jr corner
The ball cannons into the net, but Arshad collapses clutching his head like Humpty Dumpty not Jack Horner

5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 Call up the Mystagogue!

6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 A wise and beautiful woman floats onto the pitch no need to jog
She examines the pair, then she declares
“Arshad’s aura is murky pink, deceitful thoughts is what he thinks
Dunkin’s aura is soft and blue, everything he does is true”

7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 Goal!

8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 Homs’ manager protests “that was a butt”
Ref “No butt”
Manager, “But…”
Ref “No buts”
(Fifty thousand spectators groan)

9 Leave a comment on verse 9 0 (Now Everton 1, 1 for Homs Alone)

10 Leave a comment on verse 10 0 Homs now attack the Everton end
‘Gainst Sorace, Homs’ Patagonian striker, the Toffees defend
He bundles the ball into the net
And spectacularly celebrates, and yet…

11 Leave a comment on verse 11 0 The AlanBall, chanting, has the last word
And makes Sorace look absurd
“He didn’t use his head!
He didn’t use his feet!
He used his careless godless hands
He used his hands to cheat!”
The chant echoes all around the ground
“He didn’t use his head!
He didn’t use his feet!
He used his careless godless hands
He used his hands to cheat!”

12 Leave a comment on verse 12 0 And now the clock is running down
And Homs’ captain Mohammed Al-Sheikh
Collects a pass, the deadlock to break
Everton move forward, to play him offside
But justice, again, is not to be denied
There is no loud buzzer from cameras sophisticated
At strategic points round the ground located

13 Leave a comment on verse 13 0 And Homs are the Champions, as Al-Sheikh nets the winner
And the ref can enjoy his post-match dinner
With no hate-mail
And managers’ wails
If we extract human error
Will justice prevail?

© 2012

Notes

When technology is eventually used for making accurate decisions in football, we will wonder “Why on earth did we wait 20/50 whatever years to introduce it?” There has been a spate of dodgy decisions recently, offside (Drenthe’s disallowed goal against Arsenal) balls crossing the goal line, handling, diving etc. Can we really blame the referee? Millions now can see what s/he literally can’t. At least have a “controller” in front of a multi-angled video while the game is paused pending an accurate decision. Anyway this one is partly tongue-in cheek. The finalist here is from a city now being torn apart (Homs, not Liverpool). Seriously, let’s hope that the brave people of Syria can succeed in their quest for peace, harmony and democracy.

Source: http://footballpoets.org/poems/eurasian-champions-league-final-2030/