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To Manage Chelski (If Only)

Crispin Thomas

Sunday, June 1st, 2008

1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 if you can always keep command
and deal with each bizarre demand
if you can drink the poisoned chalice
be humble but live in a palace

2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 if you can look intense – sardonic
enraged – impassioned but iconic
if you can roar like just like a tiger
but still be scary like Rod Stieger
if you can speak with rhyme and humour
and ignore each boardroom rumour
if you can sit through Kenyon’s meeting
and never notice forwards cheating

3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 if you can act and sing and dance
yet frighten with the slightest glance
if you can be thick-skinned and strong
whatever nightmares come along
if you can be uptight and wily
with the charm and smile of Kylie
if you can always stay in charge
be smooth and cool and live it large
if you can stare from billboard ads
for all the latest phones and fads
and bring more boys and girls to games
by wearing just designer names

4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 if you’re au-fait with Roman’s ways
and do his bidding come what may
if you love entertaining him
and pander to his ev’ry whim
if you can groom your dressing room
to always wait and not assume
the postures of some primaddona
but obey with pride and honour
and act upon your ev’ry word
however risky or absurd

5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 if you can find a coat that’s warm
that looks the biz in sun or storm
if you’ve the looks of Becks and Pitt
a sexy figure tanned and fit
if you can power millionaires
to run around with style and flair
to all behave as good as gold
and do exactly as they’re told
to be like you and live the dream
in love with you and club and team

6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 if you can win your every game
and always play and thrill the same
and be attractive through it all
both off the pitch AND with the ball
with no one-nils just goals galore
to make the nation gasp and roar
and take on on Europe and the World
be fancied by each bloke AND girl

7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 and if each fan dead and alive
admires you then you can survive
as sure as glory follows luck
as sure as my name’s Peter Buck
for if you speak with style and wit
and with the media are a hit
and should you rise up to the task
this job my friend is in your grasp
and you can guide this concept on
and bring the love we thought had gone

8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 if you can sell your very soul
and not let in a single goal
and win four trophies ev’ry season
then I can’t find a better reason
and you’re our woman or our man
with all the best looks in the land
and hero’s stamped across your brow
so you can manage Chelski now!

Notes

Yet another apology and affectionate nod to Rudyard Kipling for probably the most adapted- in-the- world poem ‘If'(..cheers Rudders)
Totally inspired by an article I read today :
‘How Be A Manager…. .of Chelsea’ by Eva Wiseman -The Guardian
i have to say though, I do feel sorry (and grateful ) for Grant (Avram that is) and also Ten Cate for that matter (not really!) Not the finest looking cat-walking models to ever grace the Blues dug-out where they? I was just recalling a line I came across a while back..”oh no ..we’ve swapped Hugh Grant fro Avram Grant”, and I thought : how sad it is today , in this ‘looks- conscious world ‘, that we are more concerned with how a manager looks than what he achieves. Still on a cosmetic as opposed to cosmic level , if you wanna hang in there as a manager, I guess there’s always face jobs and the rest.. Imagine what they could do today wtih Harry, Sven, Hiddink, Trappatoni, Keegan, Scolari, Hoddle, O’Neill, Coppell and lovely Bobby Robson ? Some of them were gorgeous when they were young . Allegedly. Oh no I feel another poem coming. God help us. .
Why can’t they all stay as young,free and beautiful as Brooking , Charlton ,Law and Hurst.? Yeah right..what’s their secret.?
Bring back TSO soon (no not Ted Smith Orr the football poet ) but the Special One. Oh José, you’re weird, scary, arrogant and mad but we do miss you. (Ooops. A bit of Dick Emery coming in there for the older readers out there.

Source: http://footballpoets.org/poems/to-manage-chelski-if-only/