The Greatest Football Team Ever Assembled

1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 Around the Sea of Galilee, a footballing tactician
Steadfastly embarked on his historic scouting mission.
The plan, embedded in his mind, though not, as yet, unfurled,
Was building up a football team that could take on the world.

2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 Around the peasant villages, he slowly made his way,
Pausing every now and then to watch the lads at play.
He analysed the football skills of each and every man,
And made a pencilled note of those who’d fit in with the plan.

3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 He came on two men hanging nets; their names were Pete and Andy.
He said, “Hang that the other way – things will be fine and dandy.
Hook it up upon the nails and leave it where it falls.”
And when they’d done as they were bade, their net was full of balls.

4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 They gazed on him in wonderment and fell upon their knees,
Saying, “Never in our lives have we seen footballs such as these.”
“Come follow me!” the coach replied, “I’m giving you the nod,
And very shortly both of you’ll be scoring goals for God.”

5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 After Pete and Andy, he went round collecting names –
Simon, Phil and Thaddeus, and two lads both called James.
Jude became the goalie, there was also John and Matt,
And Tom enrolled [though doubtfully] along with his friend Nat.

6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 They travelled round the country playing exhibition games,
Pete rock-solid in defence, midfield controlled by James.
Their tactics were inspired and their tricks were quite spectacular,
And the crowds thought they were “bloody good,” [to use the Jews’ vernacular.]

7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 But jealousy is dangerous, the old school were upset,
They didn’t care that Jesus showed them how to find the net.
They plotted with a vengeance how to show his players up,
Till they came up with the notion of the Crucifixion Cup.

8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 Invited to Jerusalem, the team arrived in style,
Whooping in on horseback for that last triumphant mile.
The cheering crowds all welcomed them, for they’d achieved much fame
For revolutionising that most thrilling football game.

9 Leave a comment on verse 9 0 But Jesus’ tactics weren’t exactly what the Jews expected,
Although he put the same team out as previously selected.
The players were extremely tense, the football didn’t flow,
And opposition to his vision soon began to grow.

10 Leave a comment on verse 10 0 All the team eventually began to get bad vibes,
When it was found that Jude in goal had been receiving bribes.
Jesus then was taken in, as was the wont with bosses,
And questioned very closely as to how he dealt with crosses.

11 Leave a comment on verse 11 0 But, confident of Jesus’ way, the football team reformed,
And, swiftly up the First Division, gallantly they stormed.
Peter was the player-coach, and after him came James,
Who excited Roman interest in these keen-contested games.

12 Leave a comment on verse 12 0 There was a young man, name of Paul, who’d been a nasty bugger.
Until he’d been converted [ha!], he’d been adroit at rugger.
But then he was selected to improve the ailing team,
And he brought them internationally to spread the football dream.

13 Leave a comment on verse 13 0 The football team’s still going strong, though personnel have changed,
And many looked quite doubtful when new tactics were arranged.
And recently the number of own-goals is mounting up,
But still they are the holders of the Everlasting Cup.


I sincerely hope this one doesn’t offend anyone. My own view of Jesus is that whereas I don’t accept his divinity, I think he was one of the most important men who ever lived.
I fully accept that I have gone for the cheap laugh in the above poem, yet also believe that if there was more humour in religion, it mightn’t be in such decline in these islands.

Source: https://footballpoets.org/poems/the-greatest-football-team-ever-assembled/