A Robin replies to Basil
A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OUR READERS AND MAY ALL YOUR TEAMS WIN EVERYTHING IN THE NEW YEAR.
Secondly, a BIG thank you to all our readers and supporters. You have helped this website have another very successful couple of months. Since I wrote in October, we have featured in Channel 4’s “Writing for Kicks” schools book for KS3; the BBC promoted us on their guide to the best of the net; we feature on the British Council’s website, no less, and the December issue of When Saturday Comes put us in the top 5 football web-sites. Our poems have also appeared on both BBC and ITV. I wouldn’t dream of thinking that media attention is a necessary validation of what we all do – but it is nice to be noticed, don’t you think? You know that when you write you are guaranteed an audience. You have all helped all this happen – we are all working as a team, with no manager either! Thanks again and have a great Christmas and 2002. – Stuart.
Dearest Bank Manager
Dearest Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque which I had assumed would pay Father Christmas for his many services recently rendered to my family. By my calculations, some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival of the funds in my account needed to honour it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement, which has, I admit, been in place for only some twenty two years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account with £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused you.
But no more will our relationships be blighted by these unsavoury incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model, the very procedures of your very own bank. To this end, please be advised of the following changes:
Firstly, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by an impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded faceless entity. From now on, I choose to deal with a flesh and blood person only. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. Please find attached the Application Contract Form, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages.
In due course your employee will be issued with a PIN number by me, which must be quoted in all dealings with me. I am sorry that it runs to twenty eight digits – but your nominated employee may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice and by pressing the appropriate buttons s/he will be guided through an extensive set of menus.
This may involve a lengthy wait but uplifting music will play for the duration, for example, Woody Guthrie, “Oh our clubs are floored with marble With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver That supporters sweated for.” After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.
Finally, we come to costs. Firstly, there is the matter of the advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £30 a page. Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at £5 per minute and as my new telephone service runs at 75p a minute, you would be advised to keep inquiries short.
May I wish you a happy if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year –
Your humble client,
Stuart Butler.
I can’t claim any ownership of this – I was sent it as an E mail last Christmas and altered it to a 3 minute piece to perform on stage.
Nor can we claim total ownership of the feature on football in the trenches at Christmas 1914 and 1915 – this is within the archive section of the website. If you haven’t seen this before, or even if you have, it’s well worth a visit. (Editor’s note: a mistake in the text in that section – Bertie Felstead was not the oldest man in the country, that accolade goes to Fred Moore of Hampshire, born November 21st. 1892.)
About This Site
Welcome to Football Poets -- a club for all football poets, lovers of football and lovers of (alternative) poetry. Discover poets in every league from respected internationals at the top of their game to young hopefuls in the school playground.
Publish your football poems here and then discuss them with your team mates and fans. We're archived by The British Library, so your masterpieces are in the safe hands of a world-class keeper. What a result!
My Account
Latest Poems
joe morris
17th April 2024
Clik The Mouse
15th April 2024
Mike Bartram
15th April 2024
joe morris
14th April 2024
Mike Bartram
11th April 2024
joe morris
11th April 2024
Alex Saynor
9th April 2024
Denys E. W. Jones
8th April 2024
joe morris
8th April 2024
Mike Bartram
3rd April 2024
Crispin’s Corner
In Memoriam
Kick It Out & Christmas Truce
Latest Comments
19th March 2024 at 8:00 am
Hi Crispin. Chris Sutton on the radio has gone for a Chelsea v Coventry final. As we know anything can happen in the Cup, and I reckon we can go to the final.
We’re still in with a chance of the play offs too, so lots to go for.
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19th March 2024 at 7:41 am
Hey Kev
Let the masses drool over their odds on City v Unted Final, but who knows how pressure can hit.
Cov and Chels will be rightly labelled as having no chance..but hey …stranger things have happened..
so Chelsea v Coventry…that’s the Final for us!
Best
C
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29th January 2024 at 10:03 pm
Hi Crispin,
How are you doing mate? Yes, you’re probably right but hey football is all about emotion and passion and I just love writing about the game. I try to keep my poetry to a reasonable length but there’s so much to write about the game and its literature just lends itself naturally to poetry. Sometimes I just get completely carried and I do apologise for the length of my poetry but it’s a great thrill to be associated with Football Poets.
Cheers mate
Joe
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10th January 2024 at 7:52 pm
You’re right of course Joe but…..it’s actually more of a big welcome break for everyone who is not into Premier League ..I’m talking fans of EFL National League and below…..
Btw …is this actually your longest poem ever !?
Best
Crispin
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8th January 2024 at 4:45 pm
Thanks!
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8th January 2024 at 10:42 am
There’s something so evocative and nostalgic for football fans the world over, in ‘revisiting’ old lost grounds.
Occasionally some remnants remain, with perhaps part of a wall or part or a stand or thre shape of a terrace, but often they are only still there in faded images and in our heads..
Great stuff Graham
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4th January 2024 at 10:13 am
A great idea and well executed. Thanks Graham.
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19th November 2023 at 1:45 pm
Thanks Gacina, glad you liked it, and I have just posted a new one about our points deduction…
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7th November 2023 at 6:34 pm
Today B.B.C post on F.B was titled:Premier League reduced to 18 clubs? I really think it may be interesting to see if this would be Everton’s nightmare and this poem is well suited for this concern.If there would be more difficult battle to stay if there were 18 teams.Great poem and somehow true.
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6th November 2023 at 4:43 pm
Ashington FC have launched a £50,000 Crowdfunder appeal to meet the increased costs of winning promotion last season, to pay for urgent stadium improvements, travel costs and equipment
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