Poems tagged ‘VAR’
BOB — The Man From the V.A.R.
As Bob sat in his mum’s furnished basement
Watching re-runs of ‘Murder She Wrote’
On to a small piece of paper
to himself he wrote
a wee note.
“Remember to change over the channel
Make sure you do it by Three
The suits at the V.A.R head office
Want me watching the games on T.V.”
So Bob plugged the Var recording machine
Somewhere in the back of his telly
Then went and made up some sarnies
With pastrami to fill up his belly.
He then put his feet up
as he lay on his couch
And waited for the Var official to call
Was someone offside?
Did some player dive?
Or did somebody handle the ball?
But the games all seemed to lack action
There was nothing for old Bob to note
In fact he got so bored with the football
that he turned back over to ‘Murder She wrote.’
Meanwhile in North London in the new White Hart Lane
Spurs fans are all singing and cheering for Kane
He’s put Tottenham ahead with a nice little play
But the refs called it back, to Tottenham’s dismay.
He got a signal from his linesman, saying he thinks it’s offside
So the ref calls up var,
and asks them to decide.
Bob was watching the adverts when the phone call arrived
“Quick look at Spurs, Watford
Do you think Kane was offside?”
So Bob viewed the footage
It’s a real tough one to settle
So he decides the best thing to do
is to put on the kettle.
As he sips on his cuppa
and dips a digestive bickie
He realizes this decision is going to be trickie
He checks all the angles
With a compass and rule
The first time he has used them
since he was in junior school
Meanwhile back in North London
the place is in total uproar
As both sets of fans sing
“it aint football no more.”
Mourinho on the sideline is gesturing,shouting
and going insane
And it looks like the rowdies of Tottenham
will smash White Hart Lane.
Now Bob checks out more camera views
To help complete his mission
But after twenty seven close up views
He still has no decision
He presses pause on the camera
to put Kane’s right foot on still
He’s either on or offside
by one eighth of a mil.
Finally he grabbed an old sovereign and tossed it in the air.
Heads would be offside, and if tales the goal was fair.
The old ways are the best ways, when every other fails
Thought Bob as he picked up the coin
that had landed showing tales.
The scoreboard showed “Goal!!!”
and Harry Kane slid along the floor
Exactly thirty two minutes
after his initial score.
The fans they cheered wildly and sang about their star
And Mourinho showed the slightest smile
And later praised the V.A.R
At home Bob called in a half time sickie
Said he had stress and a dodgy throat
poured a nice hot toddy
And watched the rest of ‘Murder She wrote.’
Winter woes
I know it must be winter
For the fixtures are piling high
Even though we’re lucky
And the weather’s kinda dry
I know I must be old now
For I rarely get to the games
And I’m also having trouble
Remembering double-barrel names!
I know I must be tired (so, so tired)
For I fall asleep in front of the tv
Doesn’t matter about all the hype
Nor the sheer import of “must see”
At least I know I’m not dying
Although I would terminate VAR
Eradicate, expel, abolish
No more goals to disbar!
WC2018 Day 25 FINAL – haiku
Parc de Triomphe
Mbappe inspires the Gauls
Allez Les Blues
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Runners up, yet
Croatia proud as can be
Gave it their all
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Got what we wanted
Six goal fitting finale
World Champions France
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Final had it all
Six goals and V.A.R. too
French profit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cryuff of the Balkans
Player of the Tournament
Runners up medal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thibaut Courtois
Magnificent net minder
Golden Gloves award
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arise Sir Harry!
Six goals netted overall
Golden Boot award
Conspiracy Theory or VARsh Reality?
Corner kick in his mind
Eyeballs the monitor behind
Before racing back on to the field…
Vlad appears on the miniature screen
Snarling, broody like, mean,
“Right sunbeam this here’s the deal…
Your blossoming movie career
Finishes here
Unless them French boys get awarded this pen
I’m meeting McDonald in Helsinki this week
Could pull a few Hollywood strings so to speak?
Or there’s the Gulag my son, then again…”?
Said pen gets knocked in
France go on and win
Croatia’s complaints – like their hopes – disappear
In a Moscow hotel bathroom mirror
A referee takes time out to deliver
His winning speech for The Oscars next year.
Does the above make any sense?
Or am I talking absolute nonsense?
Well…no-one’s saying you have to believe me?
But this here conspiracy theory
Holds more credence, I’m sure you’ll agree,
Than yesterdays VARsical World Cup reality?
WC2018 Day 12 – haiku
Spain, Portugal through
VAR impacts two games
Iberian luck
~ # ~
Maximum points
Uruguay boss the hosts
Reality check
VARcical – Spain & Portugal Through -WC Day 12
Uruguay 3-0 Russia
ten man Russia fall
to Suarez and Cavani
in their spaceship home
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Saudi Arabia 2-1 Egypt
even with Salah
Pharoahs bow to Saudis late
as both bid farewell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iran 1-1 Portugal
stealing headlines still
VAR lets Christiano off
as Iran stand tall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spain 2-2 Morocco
VAR decides once more
Aspas late goal grabs a draw
to see Spain end top
World Cup day 12
El Hadary the star but Saudis take spoils
Saudi Arabia 2-1 Egypt
A 45 year old makes history
Evergeen Essam El Hadary
Taking Faryd Mondragon’s record
Saving Fahad Al Muwallad’s penalty
There’s that Red forward
Salah the Egyptian gem
Brilliantly lobbing the ball
Over Yasser Al-Mosailem
El Hadary conceded two
His countrymen left bereft
Salman Al Faraj’s spot kick
Al Dawsari with seconds left
Charruas make it three on the trot
Uruguay 3-0 Russia
The home party is muted
Cut to size in Samara
Fernando Muslera breaks a record
His country’s most capped ever
Russia had scored eight goals
Home support makes them tick
Falling behind to the Charruas
Suarez drilled a clever free kick
Worse for Cherchesov’s boys
Cheryshev was unlucky
Akinfeev blocked Bentancur
But Cavani pounced for three
Ansarifard quells Quaresma
Iran 1-1 Portugal
Somehow unfulfilled
Yet so colourful a career
His right foot flick pure madness
That for you is Ricky Quaresma
Television is taking control
VAR once again to the fore
Ronaldo fluffs a penalty
He’s still on goal number four
Lucky escape for Ronaldo
VAR once again to the fore
Ansarifard’s penalty spot on
Portugal second and a little bit sore
VAR leaves La Roja leading group
Spain 2-2 Morocco
Spain survive a scare
As VAR catches many on the hop
Iran’s late goal against Portugal
Sees La Roja finish top
Morocco are home and
They’re really not so bad
Khalid Boutaib keeps his cool
Isco levels in Kalinigrad
Youssef En-Nesyri heads a second
VAR awards Aspas’ flick
Spain will now play Russia
Maroc get ready to go home
25 06 18
number7
© emdad rahman
WC2018 Day 8 – haiku
a dodgy keeper
giving us all the willies
Caballeroooooooh-no!
~ # ~
Mbappe taps home
Les Blues looking cohesive
France advance
~ # ~
- VAR
VAR sees the smoking gun –
the sheriffs sitting in their judicious techno-box
sometimes
call for instant justice
and sometimes
turn a blind eye
the players have suddenly become charades experts
as pestering as ever, of the disarmed referee;
the tv technicians are loving it – re-run after re-run, keeps them busy
while the punters are just dizzy
from not knowing when, the whistle might blow
and we re-trace our steps
back to the gallows
Nicely Poised.
An able Kane nets a deuce
Ingerland produce
Inspiring a nation-wide roar
and but for a – it seemed to me –
VeryAverageReferee
Yer man could have bagged three or four!
A word on the interesting Maguire
Though at times looking tired
As he strode through the strength sapping heat…
A la the majestic Scirea
Seasoned Libero and player
Played the game with his brain not his feet!
Sweden Belgium England Win haiku~WC Day 5
Sweden 1-0 South Korea
South Korea raise
more questions for V A R
on that Sweden pen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Belgium 3-0 Panama
Belgium at a stroll
like the sculptors they’ve become
carve new boys apart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tunisia 1-2 England
patience brings reward
England snatch a last gasp win
Kane you believe it?
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Latest Comments
13th September 2024 at 6:14 pm
Welcome to Football Poets Beth
Great evocative poem Beth….
More please !
Haiku always welcome.
Hope we (FGR) get to play you again soon
Best
Crispin
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26th July 2024 at 6:25 pm
Great poem Mike Bartram. Eddie was a legend, affectionately known in Liverpool as, “the first hooligan.” Even the hoolies were well dressed in those days. The amazing thing was he was only 26 when that picture was taken. He’d played for Everton youth team and was well known to the players. He never got arrested. They threw him out and he climbed back in, just in time for Derek Temples winner.
I used the picture of him being tackled to the ground on the front cover of my book, “Once Upon a rhyme in Football.” It’s worth looking on youtube and finding the re-enactment of the Wembley scene. Frank Skinner and Baddiel went around to Eddies home in the 1990’s and acted it out on the green outside. It’s hilarious, especially all the effort they put in to get Eddie sober enough to shoot the scene.
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10th July 2024 at 6:07 pm
Hi Crispin,
I don’t know if you’ve see the picture in social media today…
a picture of a teenage Lionel Messi cradling a baby in Africa as part of a photoshoot…. the family had won a lottery to have their baby pictured with him….
the photographer has just revealed that the baby is actually in fact Lamine Yamal!!!!
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26th May 2024 at 2:30 pm
Hi Denys…
Re Man City:
OK it was 20 years ago but Criag Wilson did write this and a few others on them back in 04/05.
BTW I’m more Forest Green Rover since 2014 (and Chelsea) these days . I drum and am a standing season ticket holder .
Best
Crispin
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29th April 2024 at 2:47 pm
Hi Denys,
Yes Richard Williams you’re a brilliant wordsmith, my friend. When I first saw your football poetry I thought it was the superb Guardian sports and music writer. I once had the honour of sitting next to Richard Williams while at the Independent on the sports desk. He writes about music and sport with immense knowledge and authority. I’ve read a couple of Richard’s books recently. Great writer rather like you Richard Williams the Pompey fan. Congratulations on promotion.
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28th April 2024 at 5:59 pm
Thanks Denys. Yes your replay poem was superb.
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26th April 2024 at 4:46 pm
Nice work, Joe. You were quick off the mark with that! Good one from Richard Williams too I see.
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25th April 2024 at 7:33 pm
Hi Denys,
Thanks mate. I’ll do it now.
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25th April 2024 at 1:56 pm
Thanks Joe,
you might like to write a poem yourself on the same subject…
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23rd April 2024 at 4:03 pm
Hi Denys
With you all the way on the abolition of FA Cup replays. What are they doing to the game?
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