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If you’re ill in bed with mumps
and you’re right down in the dumps
cos the Reds are playing but you are feeling sickly,
do not worry, don’t despair
for Doctor Frazer will be there
to offer medication very quickly.
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With his camera at the ready
and his hand so sure and steady,
small wonder he is called the Shelbourne Santa.
Whether deep in fog in Bantry
or high on a swaying gantry,
the production’s always better than Setanta.
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No need to miss your sister’s wedding
in a village outside Reading –
the doctor can ensure full satisfaction.
Plug your laptop in the pew
and in a minute, or maybe two,
you can cheer on all the frantic goal-line action.
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Up the hills or down the glens,
he’ll be watching through his lens
to capture every stunning save from Deano.
And his direction’s so sublime
that both Film Magazine and Time
have called him the new Quentin Tarantino.
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So if your arteries are thickening
or you feel you may be sickening
or you have to have a wart removed by laser,
don’t despair at missing matches –
there’ll be regular despatches
courtesy of the brilliant Doctor Frazer.