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Were you a victim at school?
Fearful of being bullied by classmates,
intent on making your life a misery;
cowering tearfully behind the bike sheds,
hoping they would go away and leave you in peace?
Yes? You were?
Then this job is so right for you.
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Join us and learn to prance and
strut your stuff upon the stage,
dressed all in black, the archetypal villain
or ill-fitting green to cover that still puny frame.
Now it’s your chance to turn the tables,
a great opportunity for revenge.
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Those hulking brutes who laughed in your face
had better watch out.
You have presence and real authority;
you have right on you side
and can admonish and chastise,
so fingerwaggingly therapeutic.
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One shrill blast
brings the proceedings to a complete standstill.
No more cowering;
you have complete control.
If they foolishly choose to ignore you
a card brandished in a straight arm salute
will make them listen:
breast pocket for yellow,
back pocket for red.
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Have you got what it takes
to ignore the chants and vile abuse
questioning your parentage and sanity?
Can you close your ears
to the cacophony of derision
that howls down from the stands
accusing you of incompetence and worse?
Then this is the job for you.
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Absolutely no ball skills required;
indeed a ball seems to confuse you.
When you try to juggle with it
you fall flat on your arse
to general hoots of scorn and contempt!
Neither do you need any strength
as a gentle shove in the yellow pocket
sees you fall tiredly and gracelessly
to your knees.
Reminder of those halcyon days
back at school amongst the big boys
and the bike sheds.
Are you sure you’ve got what it takes?