Football Poets

See Y’ Later Elevator.

¶ 1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 I’ll tell y’ th’ story o’ Jimmy an’ Jock,
Who were both so excited,
Their home team, Kiltside Thistle
Were playin’ Bagpipetoun United…
They rush’d oot t’ buy two tickets,
Bu’ got there five minutes t’ late,
An’ saw a sign which said, “Sold Out”,
Nail’d upon th’ main gate…

¶ 2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 “Och no…” wailed Jock, “It’s a crucial game,
An’ f’r a wee ticket I’d kill,
Bu’ we can build oor ain gran’stan’
In m’ fron’ yard up on th’ hill…”
So on th’ Saturdee mornin’
They built oot o’ long metal pipe,
A skeletal scaffoldin’ structure,
Sufficien’ t’ give them th’ height…

¶ 3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 T’ see doon into th’ stadium,
(As they referr’d t’ th’ foo’ball groon’)
So they cou’d watch th’ Kiltside boys
Takin’ on Bagpipetoun…
On top they pu’ a big pulley wheel,
Wi’ a rope attach’d t’ a chair,
F’r pullin’ an’ haulin’ each other
To their vantage point up in th’ air…

¶ 4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 When th’ job wa’ complet’d,
They wen’ an’ had a wee dram,
Then Jock said, “It’s noo five t’ three,
We’d better ge’ up in oor stan’…”
So in th’ chair attach’d t’ th’ rope,
Grea’ big Jock took his seat,
Jim started haulin’ an’ lo an’ behold,
Th’ pulley wa’ workin’ a treat…

¶ 5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 Bu’ when Jock wa’ three-quarter way up,
They both cou’d feel th’ weight shiftin’,
Nex’ thing Jock wa’ on his way doon,
As Jimmy’s feet began liftin’…
They pass’d one anoth’r wi’ increasin’ speed,
Then Jock hit th’ groon’ wi’ a bump,
While Jim’s head hit th’ pulley wheel
Wi’ th’ mos’ almighty thump…

¶ 6 Leave a comment on verse 6 0 By noo aul’ Jock wa’ rollin’ aboo’,
Cover’d wi’ dust on th’ groon’,
An’ Jimmy weighs mair than an empty chair,
So he start’d plummetin’ doon…
At aboo’ halfway Jim met th’ chair,
It connect’d him square in th’ groin,
Then continu’d t’ travel on its ascent,
As downward poor Jimmy kept goin’…

¶ 7 Leave a comment on verse 7 0 Jimmy crash’d heavily into th’ groon’
Amid much loud caterwaulin’,
It made him release his grip on th’ rope,
So then th’ chair began fallin’…
It smash’d doon on top o’ Jimmy’s bald head,
Inflictin’ mild concussion,
Then there follow’d ‘tween Jimmy an’ Jock,
A mos’ acrimonious discussion…

¶ 8 Leave a comment on verse 8 0 Meanwhile th’ big game wa’ takin’ place,
An’ ended in a tame goalless draw,
All th’ spectators who expect’d so much,
Complain’d o’ th’ mos’ deathly bore…
There wa’ mair excitemen’ up a’ Jock’s place,
Than there wa’ doon a’ th’ groon’,
Somebody said, “They shou’d ha’ sol’ tickets,
An’ made themselves a few poon’…”

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