The Frankenstein of Football
¶ 1
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In the early ninetenth century,
As the age of science dawned,
Baron Frankenstein had a theory
Which all his colleagues scorned.
¶ 2
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He set about to prove them wrong.
He was sure he had found a way
Of bringing life to inanimate things
In spite of what others might say.
¶ 3
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He took bones from charnel houses
And some bits and bats from the vet.
He constructed some semblance of a man
Like a child with a Lego set.
¶ 4
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Then with a touch of Gothic genius,
Before you could say knife,
By the power of electricity
He brought the creature to life.
¶ 5
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The creation was not a great success
Whichever way it was viewed.
Everyone called it a monster,
It was awkward, ugly and crude.
¶ 6
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Let us move on a few generations.
It is the nineteen nineties now,
And a descendant of the baron
Has discovered the lost know-how.
¶ 7
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Young Franz Frankenstein lived in Zurich
And was a dedicated Grasshoppers fan.
He unearthed the baron’s secret
And evolved a monstrous plan.
¶ 8
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Whenever a famous footballer died
And went to play for his maker,
Young Franz went to steal the corpse
From the local undertaker.
¶ 9
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He mixed and matched and modified
Till he assembled a mighty frame.
He was sure that one with such physique
Would be outstanding in the game.
¶ 10
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Young Frankenstein followed the method
His ancestor used, years before.
After a mighty surge of electrons
His superman rose from the floor.
¶ 11
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Alas the result was much the same,
Another monster had been created.
It surpassed most men in terms of power,
But its intellect was sadly truncated.
¶ 12
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Nevertheless it achieved success,
With a capacity for kicking hard.
Lack of distinction between man and ball
Invoked many a yellow card.
¶ 13
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It never shirked a tackle,
It proved itself hard as nails.
Before long came the international call
To play for the Swiss against Wales.
¶ 14
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The match kicked off at Ninian Park.
Soon Wales were on the attack.
The monster jumped to head the ball
And ended up flat on its back.
¶ 15
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It was the first time this had happened.
The monster growled “Some one’s in trouble.”
When the culprit was identified
It was glaring at its double.
¶ 16
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As the two squared up to each other
They looked just like two clones.
The monster gasped when the other yelled
“Just watch it pal, I’m Vinny Jones!”
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