• The blue side of anguish
    I’m just on the blue side of anguish, right next to the No Crowd Hotel. in a ground where the empty seats languish and the weeds grow surprisingly well. The scoreboard is no longer working, the turnstiles are starting to rust. In the shadows, a gravedigger’s lurking, though the shaft of the handle is bust. […]
  • The Silly Season
    What will they discuss when the season’s done? What will they discuss, my darling young one? Well they’ll talk about transfers and wild speculation and they’ll talk about rumours and prevarication and they’ll interview agents with eyes on commission and they’ll talk about victims in the war of attrition and they’ll interview pundits whose predictions […]
  • The pain, the pain
    The pain! The pain! The searing pain! I doubt I’ll ever walk again! I think he’s bust, or snapped, or bent my bleedin’ cruciate ligament. So bad I can’t stop rolling round each blade of grass upon this ground while drenching all with blood-flecked phlegm. The TV replays will condemn that studs-up, lunging tackle which […]
  • To pull a bird (Rondeau a la Jerk)
    To pull a bird (and find your lifelong mate) invite her to a match on your first date. To win a Soo to complement your Sooty, simply introduce her to the footie, and watch her little eyes illuminate. But still pile on the charm and lay your bait – of course, the offside rule will […]
  • My wife and football
    You use the salt cellar, the vinegar jar, to try and explain what this football is all about, but it doesn’t much matter how earnest you are, it’s still very probable she’s going to fall about. But still you continue, avoiding profanity but she can’t understand what there is to enthral about. Then, in her […]