Mum’s stuck in the kitchen
Dad’s been on the piste
Grandad won’t stop whistling
As Queen Lizzie reads out her Christmas wish.
Me I’m lying on the floor
Fighting back the tears
Cos me drunken old man’s gone and torn
Me brand new Subbuteo teams pitch.
Bonetti’s just been trampled on
Chopper Harris smashed
Alan Hudson’s got no arms or legs
Both goalsmouths have been trashed.
When the old man’s on the whisky
He’s always doing things like this
Staggering through the scullery
And trampling on me pitch.
George Best’s been knocked over
Denis Law’s been cracked
Bobby Charlton’s neath the sofa
Harry Gregg has snapped.
Mum has blown for full time
She’s grabbed her hat and coat
One more glass of sparkling wine
And she’ll get Dad by his throat.
The whole day’s out the winder
Last year just the same
When he ruined the Christmas dinner
Me mother almost slayed him.
Serves him blimmin right the sod
For going on the piste
But why’d he have to come sloshed
And tear up my new pitch?