• Can Bing Win the Next World Cup (or Euros or Afcon or the Asian Cup)?
    A.I. is a saviour and the new soccer sleuth, here to solve online searches for footballing truth. So, is the Golden Boot made of real gold? Can a 47-year-old be trusted to play well in goal? Did Hungary once feature Bela Lugosi? Does just turning up get you a World Cup trophy? How on earth […]
  • Goin’ Down, Goin’ Down
    Too good to go down, too bad to stay up, and mid table mediocrity, isn’t for the likes of us. Lost the dressing room, thrown away the plot, our misfiring forwards, cock up (almost) every shot. Catalogue of errors, litany of defeats, run out of road, we’re dead on our feet. A vow to return, […]
  • Three Teams Worse Than We Are
    At least we’ll be here a year from now because there’s three teams worse than we are who deserve to go down. You can park your bus in our midfield, drive a tractor through our defence. Slalom freely our wide-open flanks, test our goalkeeper’s positional sense. We’ve failed to replace our ageing stars, and our […]
  • Sporting Benefits
    It’s easy to mock, marvellous to laugh and sing, Hooray, Everton are right back in the mire again. May be Jordan Pickford should play for the Blades, A better sanction than ten points taken away. Or share them out with the newly promoted three. Make Everton pay for football’s high crime of dodgy accountancy. Now […]
  • The Just Made It Up Cup
    Sorry Swindon for denying you Europe, after you beat Arsenal to win the Football League Cup. But beating the Arse isn’t enough, when you’re still a mere third division football club. So, we’ve invented the Anglo-Italian Cup just for you, and other unfashionable clubs. You’ll get to play the best Italian football offers and we […]