Football Poets

Oh, I’m an Evertonian, from Merseyside I come,
And not from London, Manchester, Leeds, Newcastle or Brum.
I get my kicks at Goodison, a Toffee to the core,
And on Match Days I always wear the scarf my father w […]

A scene of great commotion,
Of push and shout and shove.
Of highly-charged emotions,
Appeals to God above.

The ball had clearly crossed the line,
‘Twas plain for all to see.
To all eyes fixed upon that match – […]

I warmed up on the touchline,
And heard the Gaffer say:
“Give pounds, give pence, give dollars, cents,
But not the ball away.
That plastic-coated leathern sphere,
Pray, keep it at your feet.
Or pass it straight t […]

His name is Rafa,
And he’s our Gaffer,
He was sent from sunny Spain
To make the Reds mighty again.
He came to Anfield,
And not to Villa,
Says he can’t stand Manilow,
Prefers our Cilla.
He waves his magic wan […]

You ain’t no oil painting, we can’t deny it’s true.
But you’re pretty as a picture when you’re kitted out in blue.
With your toothless grin, and your stud-marked shins, and your EFC tattoo.
So, don’t go changing […]

Well, hi there, English football fans,
I’m sure you’ve heard of me.
José’s my name, let me explain
My strange philosophee:

Just give me a safe pair of hands,
And five defenders true.
Then four brave boys to hol […]

I went into a public house around two fifty-five.
I ordered half a pint of beer, a steak and kidney pie.
I asked the landlord: “Tell me, Sir, ain’t there a match on soon?
It’s almost three, have I still time to po […]

I made my debut at eighteen
In nineteen sixty-three.
When four Moptops from Merseyside
Were singing Please Please Me.
Pop songs were heard on vinyl then,
And not on MP3.

I got my first goal at Maine […]

Once a teeny tiny tot stood upon the Gwlady Street,
Aged, I would guess, not a day more than three.
And he sang as he watched his heroes walk out on the pitch:
“Who’s gonna open the scoring for me? […]

When we were winning two-nil,
The sun was shining bright.
The sky was blue as blue can be,
No dark clouds were in sight.

I munched my half-time hotdog,
And sipped my Bovril sweet.
For we were winning […]

There’s a match at Villa Park,
Floodlights on because it’s dark.
“I see nothing, I see nothing.” Says Arsène.

Forty thousand pairs of eyes
Could have sworn that Henry dived.
“I saw nothing, I saw nothing.” […]

Will you favour your right or your left foot?
Or be equally comfy with both?
Will you toil with an unflagging workrate?
Or be prone to the odd bout of sloth?

Will you hail from the slums of Sao Paulo?
Or be born […]

When I of Rooney first did read,
I wept, and cried for joy:
“Our scouts have come up trumps at last,
Unearthed a Wonder Boy…

So, Man U, eat your heart out,
Take cover, Liverpool.
With Rooney in our ranks, by […]

When I were nowt more than a lad,
Here’s what me Old Man said:
“All dumb dimwits like us are blue,
While all smart Alecs are red.

They’re always in with a shout.
We fight to ‘scape the Drop.
We always finish […]

Once again the twelve-page pull-outs
Greet the long-awaited Kick Off.
More than one match proves a sell-out,
Though the tickets are a rip-off.

Lust for Footie’s still unsated,
We show no signs of fatigue. […]

Who d’you want to take the Title?
Who should end up Top the Table?
Th’issue, you’ll agree, is vital,
Pray respond, if you are able.

Like the thought of Windows Wenger whooping “Di’n’t I tell you so?”
Or Mon […]

Come, all vet’ran Koppites, let us sing a song again.
Sing not like the nightingale that sings as if in pain.
Sing as we all used to sing on coaches, ships and trains,
While we were conquering Europe!

‘Ullo, ‘Ul […]

I went into a public house to watch a match on Sky.
I downed a coupla pints o’ beer, and scoffed some Shepherd’s Pie.
I took a pew among the throng, enquired about the score.
“It’s one-nil to the Chelsea […]

XIII

The Terrace Chant United

We have watched our heroes battle on the muddy football field.
Chanting the terrace chant “United”!
When your team comes to Old Trafford, its fate’s already sealed.
Chant, chant […]

If you’re thinking of us, Wayne, you should hang your head in shame,

‘Cos you’ve left us and we don’t know what to do.

You forsook the Sacred Blue for the red shirt of Man U,

Things at Goodison will never b […]