Football Poets

Jurgen Klopp’s Teeth

¶ 1 Leave a comment on verse 1 0 He travelled over from Dortmund to manage the Pool
And the boys on the Kop thought, “This guy looks pretty cool”
With his heavy metal football and baseball cap
He came across as a rather endearing chap
But for years his appearance had caused him concern
And at last he could sort it, cos he’d have money to burn
He decided the treatment he most needed was dental,
But the dentist he chose was properly mental
With teeth whitening methods scarily experimental
I’ve seen some of the world’s most incredible sights
Like Niagara Falls and the Northern Lights
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon and the Great Barrier Reef
But nothing compares with Jurgen Klopp’s teeth

¶ 2 Leave a comment on verse 2 0 When he turned up at training on that Monday morning
The players said, “Bloody hell, Boss, you could have give us a warning”
They fled from the ground before any damage was done
Crying, “Jesus, it’s like looking straight at the sun!”
They returned wearing shades with maximum UV protection
But not one of them dared look in Jurgen’s direction
They saw their physio in tears, they asked what was upsetting her
“I only glanced at his mouth, now I’ve knackered me retina!”
It’s a miracle no-one else came to serious grief
When exposed to the terrors of Jurgen Klopp’s teeth

¶ 3 Leave a comment on verse 3 0 It was the title decider, the stakes were immense
The Reds were one up, the situation was tense
So Jurgen set up an extra line of defence
He took up a spot behind the Liverpool net
With his dentures all ready to avert any threat
The opponents’ striker burst through, the ball at his feet
He looked certain to score, just the keeper to beat
But he was struck by a barrage of merciless flashes
Of Jurgen’s thermonuclear-coated gnashers
The striker collapsed in a heap, the fans sighed with relief
Their dream still alive thanks to Jurgen Klopp’s teeth.

¶ 4 Leave a comment on verse 4 0 Hold on for the win and the title was nailed
But with just a few minutes left the floodlights all failed
The electricians were baffled, couldn’t find what was wrong
As the ref got fed up with waiting so long
He said, “I’m sorry, I know it’s a terrible shame
But if they’re not fixed in ten minutes, I’ll abandon the game”
There was no time to lose, this was the moment of truth
And one clever dick managed to think on the hoof
“Take Jurgen upstairs and get him on the roof
It’s like he’s got 10000 lumens in every tooth”
He was dragged to the gantry at considerable pace
They wired open his mouth and strapped him in place
Like a track-suited alien from outer space
The pitch was instantly bathed in glorious light
The ref said, “Just keep Kloppy up there, we can play all night!”
Their opponents shook their heads in sheer disbelief
With the Kop overcome by a sense of relief
As their team won the title thanks to Jurgen Klopp’s teeth

¶ 5 Leave a comment on verse 5 0 Well, with a little help from a few dodgy refereeing decisions, obviously…

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