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Thick swirling fog on Wormwood Scrubs
Greets thirty blokes, just left some club
En route to play a game, they think they’ll canter in their stupor
Whilst fags and cans are handed out
“I’ve lost me hip flask” goes the shout
As a wobbly captain leads those half cut, out to hoop up.
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Opposing team look pretty fit
Why? They’re even wearing matching kit
With pristine shiny boots aglow with dubbing.
As full back heaves chestily aloud
Some nubile richard from the crowd
Rushes out to give his a chest, a fierce Vick rubbing.
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As attacking team take that first kick
Defending goalie throws up sick
Then cracks a can to to restore his equilibrium
He see’s two ball’s, two centre forwards
Two blurry team-mates who look awkward
Chased across the pitch, by Aphrodite’s and her mangy dog that bit him.
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There’s flying tackles, sly left hooks
Knees in the groin, and knowing looks
Bravado promises of “a straightener” or “some afters”
There’s calm it downs, berated refs
“Yer think yer hard? Yer just a jess”
As neutrals on the touchline, fall about and clutch their sides in laughter.
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The halftime whistle signals…. peace
There’s lager tops and cans of Guinness
And oranges? Nah I don’t think they were there that day
Aforementioned captains almost sober
So after a rousing rendition of “The Wild Rover”
The players chip their fags and head back to the fray.
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Goalkeepers eyes? Are back in focus
Aphrodite’s dog? Was somewhat bogus
So the game takes on an earnest element
Flowing passes, neat one two’s
Whilst other team in pristine boots
Stood back and admired revitalized amazement.
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Actions fraught and somewhat fast
Touchline crowd have ceased to laugh
As team of drunks at last slip in to top gear.
As winning goal caress’s net
And wins the game for drunken gets
Loyal followers spray their hero’s shirts with beer.
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Pandemonium reigned on fin
“We’ve won the game, let’s get them in”
As that winning feeling, floated down somewhat sublime.
Pray shake hands with losing team
Give them three cheers for being keen
Dive down the tube, and get back to the manor for… opening time!